seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
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airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”