Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit

If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami

Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami

God: *loves boats* No

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?

Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin

☠️☠️☠️

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer

I think I’m gonna be sick