Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance