Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
March 16
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers