Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
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[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?