SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I found your tweet-up…
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
can’t bark with your mouth full
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
