SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
