Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”

Me, the invisible duster: ok

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

Walmart say they accept competitor’s coupons, but they rejected me when I tried to use one for a foot rub my wife gave me on my birthday

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.

Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?

Me: Definitely an alive person

Friend:

Me: Better conversation

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.