Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..
I said, you too..
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
bat life
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you