Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat