“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
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#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
SQUARREL
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.