“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
You Might Also Like
started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms