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We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
two people or more is called a problem
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.