Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low

Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.