Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
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*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
That’s what I call a flat tire
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.