Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*

SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.

ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.