Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

[5:30 AM alarm goes off]

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

True.

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

Me irl

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

Happy weekend !

me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree

my cat: *whispering* and also within

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”