Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.

Thank heavens for community notes

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN