Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
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Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?