Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

🤣😂🤣😂

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

a public service announcement

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

#Thanos #MondayMood

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.