Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
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Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I was bored.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day