Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Not my job 😂
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced