Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
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Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
President The Rock Obama
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….