Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
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Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two