Sending in my taxes
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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.