Sending in my taxes
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Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
New comic up. “Ransom”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes