Sending in my taxes
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Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.