Sending in my taxes
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If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.