Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”

Anyways it was Eminem.

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?

Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.

Her:

Me: *winks*

Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

be safe out there!

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster