Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

[on date]

*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*

Her: Can you pass the salt please?

Me: Crap…

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.

Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?

I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.