[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.