[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
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[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
they split up moments later
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments