[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
You Might Also Like
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are