*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what