*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Me :
All Day At Night
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
☠️ ☠️
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.