*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%