Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

[interview]

So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?

Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

it was a valiant fight

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?

Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice

I guess I live down here now

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well

I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?