*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
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If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
much to think about
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”