Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checks Timeline*…

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

Me: Any news?

Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.

Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.

Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX