*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with đ*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*![]()
You Might Also Like
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
âşď¸
![]()
When youâre cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that youâre actually going in the wrong direction
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
You never truly appreciate Newtonâs laws of motion until youâve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
The man I married can land a fly on a troutâs snout.
The man I married says itâs not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesnât allow imprecise compliments.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
![]()
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
âI need to practice my recorderâ
God has abandoned us.
![]()
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom wouldâve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses wonât stay on his face
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection