Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*During sex*

Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

Name this drama.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?

Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby

Her: New cat?

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.

women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.