*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
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Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
😂🤣😂🤣
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..