*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with đź‘Ť*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
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My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars