Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.

Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.