*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
You Might Also Like
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Dance like you’re not the father
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend