*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
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How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do