my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
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*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Note to self: always read the final line
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Every photo I’m tagged in
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is