Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no