Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

I finished three books yesterday.

Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again