Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
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I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
If you need a laugh.. 😅
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
