Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?

Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.

Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.

Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

Our friends: [just married] we want kids

Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?

Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?

this is literally a CIA plant