*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
So we need to go over your drug history…
Let me stop you there. It’s gonna be quicker if I just tell you the ones’s I haven’t done.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Roses are niggas. Violets are niggas. I’m Lil Wayne, And niggas ryhmes with niggas.