Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
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INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.