Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
You Might Also Like
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.