Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
You Might Also Like
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Effort made
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!