Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
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My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
my mom making me talk to relatives
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Waiting for the Charmin
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people