Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband