Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
What the hell happened in there??
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy