Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
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Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh