Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
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JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
He-man has a Masters degree
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!