Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
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My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked