Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
You Might Also Like
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
My sex drive has a dui
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.