[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
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Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
HERE’S MARKY
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.