[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
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[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.