Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
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Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
channeling her this year
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
I was bored.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.