Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
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My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Nobody seems more shocked, disappointed and dismayed than the person behind the Post Office counter when I arrive and say I’ve got something to post.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman: