Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”

2001 A Space Odyssey 2

The spaceship returns

HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.

He never works.

He becomes the basis for Windows 10.

Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

cop: show me your hands

dahmer: *opens fridge*

fixed it

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

Him: I like it when a girl growls at me

My stomach: *growls*

Him: not like that

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.