“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Story time
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Storm Tropical Storm
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him