Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

Are these grass-fed oranges?

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

thank god

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)