“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Fixed this for Shakespeare
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Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.