“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
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A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
Happy Halloween 🎃
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?