sensitive skin
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Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
WHY?!
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.