sensitive skin
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Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.