Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?

ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile

We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

[Friday morning meeting]

Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*

Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.

Me: It’s Friday the 13th?

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.