Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position