Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
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i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
monday
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
mood
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”